Sunday, September 18, 2016

Finding My Voice

-Imagine we're in the hunger games- It has begun! someone yells, and suddenly everyone swarms around and begins screaming and beating each other and chaos, ect. In OTHER words, school has started, yaey ^-^

Up until recently I have been a small child with practically no responsibilities and worries. I could go all around doing and speaking to as I please, traipsing around without a care in the world, or that's how I like to envision my past, I highly doubt that's how my life actually played out (shh, let me pretend!). I had parents to do all the tricky stuff for my little self, like handle scary things like... people. 

Then came life and whoop, congratulations, you're a teenager! Now, I used to scoff at the whole, oh teenagers are horrible and frightening and you will go through a whole identity change bla bla bla, But my was I proven horrendously wrong! Teenage years are horrible! They are painful! They are GRUELING!!
You have to find out what you are in this mess of a world. With people battering you on all sides trying to tell you to think some way, act one way, be another way.

For me that horrid limbo teenager mode means trying to find how to be towards others.
One thing I struggle to figure out is how I want to deal with other people. I never had to deal with a big social circle, I have a small school, and a small family. And suddenly being thrust into a whole new pool of people with different beliefs and thoughts painting abstract colors before me, I feel a little lost.

Do I want to be an open book for people to read and write their problems in, or someone who screams my beliefs from the rooftops and doesn't care what people say about me?
Or do I want to be somewhere in between?

These piddly puddlings are written in this blog, in my posts. Do I want my voice to be loud and bombastic, making silly jokes and exclamations, never hinting at the feelings that bubble underneath my skin? Or do I want to be a solid voice of my beliefs and loud about my opinions, wiping back the curtain on things that need to be said and are normally hidden. and still be humorous in a different, more refined way?

The normal response to these things are, oh child, do what makes you happy! And they strut away feeling like they have given you the most marvelous advice of all and expect your problem to be promptly solved.
But that is the problem, that I don't know which version clicks, which me feels like the me I can fill my skin in.

So I will keep turning over these things in my head, in my posts, in my writing. Trying different things and seeing what fits and what has to get lost.
I want my writing here to reflect my real voice, not a fake smile that I put on for the people of the Internet to poke it's spun glass strands.


What an angsty post that was, feel free to leave your angstings down below so we can angst together :) What do you think? What helped you find your voice?

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, I can understand how you feel. For me, it's hard to just share my opinion with people I don't know well (except on the internet). Currently, I'm in Pre University and I don't have much in common with anyone in my class. Yeah, I'm having a hard time.

    However, I started my blog again this year and I'm glad that I've found a place to vent out my thoughts and ideas and people who want to listen to them.